Return to Lyric Live Theater


How to stay married!  

A man and woman had been married for more than 55 years. They had shared  everything.
They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets  from  each  other  except
that the little old woman had a shoe box in the  top  of  her  closet  that  she  had
cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one  day  the  little
old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to  sort
out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe  box  and  took  it  to  his
wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the  box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted  gloves  and  a  stack  of  money  totaling
$85,000.

He asked her about the contents.  "When  we  were  to  be  married,"  she  said,  "my
grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.  She  told  me
that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a glove." The
little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two gloves were in  the
box. She had only been angry with him two times in all  those  years  of  living  and
loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the gloves, but what about all of this money?  Where
did it come from?" Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the gloves."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Try this:

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head) 
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code) 
3. Multiply by 80 
4. Add 1 
5. Multiply by 250 
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number 
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again. 
8. Subtract 250 9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* A car hit an elderly man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* A bum asked a man, "Give me $10 till payday." The man responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one working!"

* I wish my husband would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant  and order the "Chicken
Surprise." The waiter  brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. 

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before
the lid slams back down. 

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.  He hasn't, so she
asks him to look in  the pot.   

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he  sees two little eyes
looking around before it  slams down. 

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over,  explains what is happening,
and demands an  explanation. 

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." 

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck." 
RETURN